These are the things I am certain about:
I love God. I believe He sent His son Jesus to die for the sins of mankind and that through His resurrection and ascension, I am given the gift of salvation and life everlasting with Him, should I choose to accept Him.
I love my family.
I want to be used by Christ in whatever way he deems I should be used for Him.
I do not believe in the ridiculous notion that we are saved by saying a little prayer about accepting Jesus into our hearts and then….magically…we are saved. That makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel like vomiting. Often times, that is the end of the story for many who believe from that moment forward, they are “saved” and actively abiding in Christ. My fear is the erroneous belief that such a prayer is the end of the journey, rather that the bare spark of a beginning.
The first 30 plus years of my life consist of painful childhood memories, addiction, marriage, a bonus child and the birth of my three children. The blank spaces are filled with all of the joyful or sorrowful details that any other life may hold. Mine is no more or less lived than any other life. In the midst of existing in a world in which I continuously feel isolated and misunderstood, I have experienced the steady pricking of The Spirit in my soul. I continue to be astounded and humbled that He would pluck me out of my one-dimensional existence and move me towards a life of intense love and reliance on Him.
Life for me has been an endless, exhaustive relay of taking the puzzle pieces of my life and desperately rearranging them in order that I might see myself as complete. As worthy. As wanted. As loved. As valued. As part of something. As more than one who walks alone.
Beginning earnestly in 2007, I have been involved in a relationship with Jesus Christ that looks nothing like what I have been taught to expect. I have sought answers to questions I never imagined asking. I have been challenged. I have been humbled. I have been broken. I have been reborn.
This process has given birth to something inside of myself…inside of my soul. It is a crushing, breath-stealing burden from which I can find no relief. I have begged and pleaded. Screamed and yelled. Confronted and chosen apathy. I have turned away, refused to listen, attempted to become blind.
But. Then there is this reality:
….And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”…. Isaiah 30:21
When you hear it, it’s the kind of thing that negates the core of your self will so completely that you walk head first into the suffering.
His Words. His voice. His Spirit. They work together and bring a conviction so complete that obedience is the only option. But more than that even, it has become your only desire…to obey Him.
And you find something in the midst of it all.
In my weakness, is His strength.
He is who He says He is.
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